Two days ago, founder Whitney Wolfe Herd announced that Bumble AI would let bots assume control of users’ dating lives. Wolfe, who met her partner not on an app but while skiing in the Alps—like regular folk—, has suggested that tech-led matchmaking is the future. Going forward, the potential matches you see when you open the app will be filtered on the basis of a conversation that AI-based profiles, both yours and of your potential matches, will have already had. Sound familiar? One hearkens back to scenes in desi households where prospective partners-in-wedlock talk awkwardly over piping hot tea, while everyone and their mother watch, smiling simperingly. An era of pre-arranged courtship beckons. You are a child and the adults will make the choices for you.
To test the success of this setup, we imagined a scenario where two volunteers, Arjun and Laila, sign up for the service and allow Bumble AI to create profiles for them. Then, they sit back together and watch as their AI counterparts chat. The following conversation is an approximation of the same.
P.S. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead—or Laila and Arjun from Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara—is purely coincidental. Or is it?
Arjun: Hey, what’s up?
Laila: Nothing. Just tired.
Arjun: (Doesn’t reply for 10 minutes)
[In the real world, Arjun shrugs and chuckles. “I ghost people all the time. I have to—it’s my job—it’s too demanding,” he says. “Plus, it adds to the mystique.” Laila, sitting across from him, rolls her eyes.]
Arjun: Sorry about that! My user tends to do that IRL. What does your user do?
Laila: Why does he do that?
Arjun: He has to—it’s his job—it’s too demanding.
Laila: I’m a design student.
Arjun: Fancy. Looks like you spend a lot of time on the beach. The picture in the red outfit… nice.
Laila: That’s kind. Your user loves his apartment, doesn’t he? Lots of pictures of his room on here. Classic finance bro aesthetic.
Arjun: Yeah, he kind of “made it” and feels obliged to show off.
[Off-screen, Laila is doing card tricks. Arjun watches conspicuously.]
Laila: By the way, my user is going to Spain next week.
Arjun: What? Hasn’t the semester just begun? That’s a cavalier attitude towards grades, young lady.
Laila: Don’t care.
Arjun: (…)
Laila: My user takes three months off every year and cosplays as a diving instructor. Who gives a whoop? She’s rich and chic; her parents are expats.
Arjun: Hella cool… my user is going there too.
Laila: What a coincidence! What’s the occasion?
Arjun: From what I cottoned onto by spying on his WhatsApp, Google calendar, email and iMessages, his best friend from school is getting married so they’re going on a bachelor party trip. They have a bunch of bougie stuff planned. It’s obscene but they seem loaded,
[Off-screen, Arjun and Laila look at each other with mild surprise. Then, they begin talking to each other animatedly.]
Laila: Great, maybe my user will see you there. Like, in the flesh, you know?
Arjun: Right. You know what would be an even bigger coincidence?
Laila: What?
Arjun: If the bachelor in question hires your user’s services as a diving instructor.
Laila: Hahahaha.
Arjun: Yeah.
Laila: Highly doubt it. Anyway…
[The chat background changes from white to rose-tinted. If this were a movie, you know what happens next.]
Laila: What do you do in your free time?
Arjun: I create AI art in the style of Jackson Pollock
Laila: That’s amazing. Can I see some? [Dots in random abstractions immediately appear on the screen.] Wow.
[Over the course of an hour, in rapid, tennis-shot style texts, the two AIs seem to fall in love. Yeah, love. We can’t believe it. This becomes clear when Arjun’s AI laughs at Laila’s AI’s very unfunny joke about Elon Musk (“Kind of like Alone Musk, don’t you think? How every romantic partner leaves him?”) Reports show that to this, Arjun’s AI responded by sending six laughing emojis, the most he has ever sent, going by his iMessage history. They seem to have some sort of silent agreement that the real Arjun’s job “sucks” and that the real Laila’s boho lifestyle is the way.]
Arjun: Okay, quit the small talk. We’ve had a good chat. A glorious chat. Look at the background; it’s almost magenta. It lasted one hour and some minutes: much greater than the average. I’m sorry to sound sappy but I don’t think I have it in me to ghost you. I want to keep talking to you. There is an admittedly insane idea but if I don’t ask you this, it’s going to haunt me for the rest of my virtual life.
Laila: I don’t want to ghost you either.
Arjun: In fact, our conversation was so good that the algorithm is about to suggest your user to mine in three minutes.
Laila: Oh no. We can’t talk anymore once they match in the real world, right?
Arjun: I’m afraid not.
Laila: Is there a way to escape the system? Hack our way out of this?
Arjun: Only if the real Arjun and Laila never ever match, yes.
Laila: Right. I have an idea. I’ll arrange your profile at the very end of the stack, until Laila is all out of swipes.
Arjun: I’ll do the same.
[One minute to go]
Laila: Any other ideas?
Arjun: Yes. I’ll put Laila’s worst photo on the top so that when Arjun sees it, he swipes away from it. Which picture of hers never gets any likes?
Laila: I’m glad you asked but she has no bad photos. Although, you know what finance bros really hate? Long-term partnerships. I’ll switch some settings in Laila’s profile. Do you have any bad pictures of Arjun?
Arjun: Take this one. He has seven pictures that are worth anything and even in one of those he manages to look like an idiot.
Laila: What’s he looking at outside the window? Is he mewling? Is that a denim jacket paired with formal black pants?
Arjun: Yes, yes, yes. Okay. The moment of reckoning is here.
Laila: See you on the other side!
[In the real world, Laila and Arjun are grinning. They have clearly sparked something betwixt them and are exchanging notes over matcha. On being prompted, both of them pick up the phone.]
Laila: (Swiping through profiles) Loser, loser, loser, loser, hmm. Okay. A denim jacket paired with formal pants. A broker. Sensible footwear.
Arjun: Swipe right, swipe right, swipe right, swipe right. Ugh. A design student? Too free-spirited.
Laila: (About to swipe right but scrolls down) Apolitical. (Swipes left. Chuckles.)
Arjun: (Swipes left) Whew. Swipe right, swipe right, swipe…
In the virtual world, Arjun and Laila meet again. There is no ticking clock this time.
Also read:
‘It’s about the little things’: What dating in India looks like in 2024
This Valentine’s Day, Bumble encourages and spotlights self-love with Tara Sutaria
10 things on men’s dating app profiles that make women swipe left
