Looking back, the signs were there. “For one, he was kind of rude to my friends,” Jess says. “And he would totally shut down whenever he got upset.”
Still, it wasn’t until after they broke up that Jess realised she should have listened to her gut. “I made a lot of excuses for his toxic behaviour—he had a tough childhood, he was stressed out, whatever,” she says. “The red flags were there, but I didn’t want to see them because I had rose-coloured glasses on.”
What’s a red flag in a relationship?
That’s the thing about red flags. They can be easy to brush off in the moment, yet crystal-clear after the fact. Love may be blind, but hindsight? Almost always 20/20.
This is because, unlike literal red flags—such as the ones posted at the beach telling you not to swim—“relationship red flags” aren’t always obvious at first glance. “Not all red flags are dramatic or explosive,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Claudia Giolitti-Wright. “Some can be quieter while still harming the foundation of a healthy relationship.”
Red flags in a relationship can, of course, also be subjective. After all, “different people look for and value different things in relationships,” explains relationship coach Katie Dissanayake, co-founder of the dating app After. “Unlike ‘the ick,’ red flags are based on our values, not visceral reactions or disgust,” adds clinical psychologist Adam Horvath.
Regardless, serious red flags in relationships usually share a few common threads—and all of them indicate that a person may not be the healthiest, most compatible, or safest partner for you in the long run. They are also usually signs of deeper issues and, at their most serious, are exhibited via toxic behaviours like control, manipulation, disrespect and abuse. “Red flags undermine trust and safety, leaving you feeling diminished or anxious,” says Dissanayake.
How to tell if something is a yellow flag or a red flag?
Unfortunately, red flags can sometimes be slow to appear. After all, really getting to know someone takes time, and everyone has their own unique set of circumstances, nuances and flaws. Plus, most potential partners are on their best behaviour early on.
This is where yellow flags come in. “They’re signals that make you slightly uneasy or raise questions, but can potentially be resolved through a good, productive conversation,” explains Dissanayake. In other words, they tell you to proceed with caution until you can gather more information, much like you would do at an intersection before the light turns red.
For example, you might be concerned that someone is habitually late and slow to text back. Is it because they’re selfish and disrespectful or because they’re actually just slammed at work? You can’t know for sure until you venture deeper.
Yellow flags provide the perfect opportunity to practise clear communication—a lynchpin of any successful relationship. “If your partner is open to feedback and willing to work on the issue, the issue might be a yellow flag,” says Giolitti-Wright. “But if they get defensive, minimise your concerns, or refuse to change, that yellow flag quickly turns red.”
Red flags to watch out for
To that end, red flags tend to stick around even after they’ve been addressed. They are patterns, not one-offs. “Red flags are serious warning signs that appear repeatedly and often intensify despite discussion. These rarely transform quickly or easily, as these often stem from fundamental character issues or deeply rooted psychological patterns,” explains Dissanayake. “In these cases, protecting your well-being should take precedence over hopes for their improvement.”
Below, some of those red flags to look out for. Keep in mind that the list is not exhaustive. Remember, “your intuition matters,” says Dissanayake. “Persistent discomfort around someone is meaningful.”
“Pay special attention to how they speak about exes,” notes Dissanayake. “Consistent vilification of former partners suggests they avoid taking responsibility in relationships.” Another reminder: “Healthy relationships require emotional maturity, and a partner who can’t own their mistakes is unlikely to grow with you,” says Giolitti-Wright. Refusing to take responsibility for actions, shifting blame and dismissing your feelings are all troublesome signs of a lack of accountability.
Similarly, someone who avoids conflict or can’t handle it productively won’t be a healthy partner long term. Conflict in a relationship is inevitable—there will be disagreements, misunderstandings and miscommunications. “That’s normal,” explains licensed marriage and family therapist Leanna Stockard. “But how a person engages in conflict is key. If a partner feels comfortable insulting you, calling you names, yelling, escalating to physical violence, or giving you the silent treatment, that’s a red flag.”
As it can be tricky to gauge how someone behaves in conflict during the smooth-sailing early stages of a relationship, Stockard recommends discussing the general idea of conflict as soon as possible. “Try to understand how they have navigated through conflict in the past, or how you would like to manage conflict as a couple,” she says.
How someone treats family members, friends, coworkers and strangers offers insight into their character. “If they’re dismissive, rude, or constantly criticise those around them, this pattern will eventually extend to you,” warns Dissanayake. Watch how they treat waitstaff, baristas and retail clerks, too.
Emotional manipulation usually involves using your feelings and vulnerabilities against you to gain control. This can show up as guilt-tripping, the silent treatment, love-bombing, gaslighting, coercion, criticising, isolation, helplessness and regression. “If you feel like you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or walking on eggshells, that’s a sign of an unhealthy dynamic,” says Giolitti-Wright. Emotional manipulation is very common in people with personality disorders like narcissism, Giolitti-Wright adds.
The ability to regulate emotions is an essential component of emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. “When a person allows emotions such as anger, sadness, guilt and fear to impair their ability to think clearly, it indicates a lack of control and understanding of their feelings,” explains Antoinette Bonafede Shine, a licensed clinical social worker and expert in personality disorders. This means they probably won’t be able to communicate their feelings productively to you: “If a person’s state of mind depends on their mood, their feelings control them rather than the other way around,” says Bonafede Shine. This can be brutal to deal with: Not only will you always be unsure of what might trigger the next impulsive reaction, but you’ll always be waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Words and actions should align. “A healthy relationship is built on consistency, not confusion,” says Giolitti-Wright. “If a partner says all the right things but their actions don’t match, that’s a warning sign.”
Someone who cycles through jobs, projects, relationships, friendships and communities may have commitment, intimacy or vulnerability issues. “This pattern often indicates someone who leaves when things get difficult or who struggles with conflict resolution,” notes Dissanayake. “Look for evidence of stable, nurturing connections in their life.”
This may seem adventurous at first, but impulsivity can actually signify an inability to cope with uncomfortable feelings. “This can manifest in drug use, frivolous spending, risky behaviour such as unprotected sex and other unsafe behaviours,” says Bonafede Shine. “It often creates an environment where the partner views them as unpredictable or a wildcard.” Put another way? Impulsiveness can be a sign that you’re emotionally and even physically unsafe.
Someone who is unable to receive feedback is usually also incapable of sustaining a long-term relationship because they can’t handle conflict in a healthy way. “The person may have been overly criticised as a child and did not have a good blueprint of how to solve emotional issues with a partner,” says licensed clinical social worker Dr. Deb Castaldo, PhD, who recommends looking out for defensive statements and excuses like “I never do that, you always do that,” “I’m not willing to change,” “You’re wrong and I’m right” during arguments.
Dismissiveness often starts small. Maybe you tell them that something they did hurt your feelings, and they say you’re overreacting or that it’s not a big deal. Or worse, they deny that it even happened in the first place. “You start questioning your reality—maybe you are too sensitive; maybe you remembered it wrong,” says Evon Inyang, a licensed associate marriage and family therapist. “This isn’t miscommunication, it’s gaslighting. If someone cares about you, they don’t try to convince you that your feelings aren’t real. They try to listen with curiosity and understand.”
Jealousy can be a sabotaging behaviour and a form of manipulation. “At firs,t it can manifest as a need to protect, but it often comes with a need for control,” explains Bonafede Shine. “It comes from a place of mistrust, a feeling of being out of control and deep-rooted issues of low self-worth or self-esteem. It often leads to instigating arguments to prevent their partner from going out or even picking fights in public settings.”
Furthermore, jealousy often escalates to other forms of emotional manipulation over time, like isolation. “Healthy partners encourage outside relationships and interests,” notes Dissanayake.
A cocktail or two and an evening glass of wine is one thing, but binge drinking regularly or daily drug use is a red flag. “Using substances excessively to manage emotions or stress sets the stage for secrecy, dishonesty and emotional unavailability,” notes certified alcohol and drug counsellor Will Burse. “It’s counterproductive to establishing trust and stability in a relationship.”
What to do if you see red flags in a relationship?
If you see a red flag, take it seriously. One red flag is often an indication of more red flags, as unhealthy behaviours usually come hand-in-hand. “Red flags are a reflection of the person’s personality,” says Giolitti-Wright. “Don’t rush to explain them away or excuse concerning behaviours. They rarely disappear on their own, and ignoring red flags often leads to greater heartbreak later.”
Instead, be open about your concerns. Observe how your partner responds. Are they dismissive or defensive? Or do they listen, reflect and take meaningful action? “The way they respond tells you everything about their ability to be in a healthy partnership,” says Giolitti-Wright.
Can someone change red flag behaviour?
Some red flag behaviours can change, but it depends on their nature and severity. “Concerning behaviours exist on a spectrum—some reflect deeply ingrained patterns while others may just be a result of inexperience or lack of awareness,” Dissanayake says.
After all, most people only change when they want to—and to do so, they must first have a deep understanding of what needs to change and why. “This takes full responsibility without avoidance and an active commitment to consistent improvement through concrete actions,” says Dissanayake.
Furthermore, red flags involving manipulation, control, disrespect or any form of abuse can be signs of personality disorders that are nearly impossible to change, if at all. “It’s not your job to fix someone,” says Giolitti-Wright. “You can support a partner’s growth, but their transformation has to come from them. At the end of the day, relationships should feel safe, supportive, and expansive. If you’re constantly feeling anxious, drained or doubting your worth, that’s your sign to step back and reassess.”
This article first appeared on Vogue.com
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